The exciting conclusion
So I reckon I'll finish that blog from last week:
I told Carla a few weeks ago that basically, job or no job, I would start putting the wheels in motion to move to Chattanooga in March (she, aparently, would be more or less ready to relocate as soon as I was) . I was going to try and find a job before I moved, but I think that in reality, it might end up taking several months to find a 'real' job, and the strain of the long distance thing is really starting to wear on our relationship. As far as the whole Chattanooga move goes I feel like it's going to be a matter of making something happen rather than waiting for something to happen.
I started writing a more complex explination of the situation, but I think I'll just boil it down like this: My now imminent move to Chattanooga is a major, major commitment that I've been struggling with (especially in light of how much Nashville seems like the perfect city for me), because Carla's insecurity/trust/etc. issues are starting to wear me out in the various ways that they've been manifesting themselves. It would definitely seem that being able to live in the same city again and not having the same uncertainty of where either of us might end up geographically would drastically clear up some of these issues, but I guess what I'm afraid of is that I'll leave Nashville, move out to Chattanooga maybe end up married to Carla, and despite time and my best efforts, she will never be as OK or as laid back as I'm hoping she will be.
Carla is an incredible person - I've never met anyone like her. I definitely don't fault her for her issues, but I feel like I am losing my patience in helping her deal with them, which is not a good sign. I sometimes can't fight off the thought that either A) she shouldn't be with anyone right now or B) being with someone who can love her in all the right ways is the way to 'fix' her, but maybe I'm not patient enough or unselfish enough to be that guy. I guess what it comes down to is that if I want to be with Carla I have to become that guy, but I don't want to feel like I'm the only one working on the problem.
I kind of feel like if you took that one aspect out of our relationship and replaced it with trust/coolness, things would be sooooo good. It's crazy because I feel like Carla is 99% perfect for me, but the 1% thing with her insecurities, if they never really went away, would be enough to screw up the whole thing. Right now Carla's insecurities are like the 800-lb. gorilla in our relationship, and I don't know if I could live with that in the long run.
It doesn't make it any easier that I absolutely love Nashville and have a pretty good thing going here. There are 4 of us living in a fairly small apartment, which is actually not too bad at all. My roommates are all cool as crap, there's always something going on here, and I still have my own room so I can get away if I need to. Not to mention rent/utilities are dirt cheap. Leaving all this wouldn't be that big of a deal if I were more sure of how the future with Carla would turn out, but some of the fights/issues we've had recently are making our relationship more of a question mark.
I think for this to all make more sense (and for me to sound like less of a bitch) I'd have to go into a lot more detail, which right now I don't really feel like going into. Like I said, Carla is awesome, and I reeeeally hope things work out; I know this blog sounded pretty negative, but I really do think she's pretty incredible. But anyway, yeah, that's that situation. I will keep you posted.
I told Carla a few weeks ago that basically, job or no job, I would start putting the wheels in motion to move to Chattanooga in March (she, aparently, would be more or less ready to relocate as soon as I was) . I was going to try and find a job before I moved, but I think that in reality, it might end up taking several months to find a 'real' job, and the strain of the long distance thing is really starting to wear on our relationship. As far as the whole Chattanooga move goes I feel like it's going to be a matter of making something happen rather than waiting for something to happen.
I started writing a more complex explination of the situation, but I think I'll just boil it down like this: My now imminent move to Chattanooga is a major, major commitment that I've been struggling with (especially in light of how much Nashville seems like the perfect city for me), because Carla's insecurity/trust/etc. issues are starting to wear me out in the various ways that they've been manifesting themselves. It would definitely seem that being able to live in the same city again and not having the same uncertainty of where either of us might end up geographically would drastically clear up some of these issues, but I guess what I'm afraid of is that I'll leave Nashville, move out to Chattanooga maybe end up married to Carla, and despite time and my best efforts, she will never be as OK or as laid back as I'm hoping she will be.
Carla is an incredible person - I've never met anyone like her. I definitely don't fault her for her issues, but I feel like I am losing my patience in helping her deal with them, which is not a good sign. I sometimes can't fight off the thought that either A) she shouldn't be with anyone right now or B) being with someone who can love her in all the right ways is the way to 'fix' her, but maybe I'm not patient enough or unselfish enough to be that guy. I guess what it comes down to is that if I want to be with Carla I have to become that guy, but I don't want to feel like I'm the only one working on the problem.
I kind of feel like if you took that one aspect out of our relationship and replaced it with trust/coolness, things would be sooooo good. It's crazy because I feel like Carla is 99% perfect for me, but the 1% thing with her insecurities, if they never really went away, would be enough to screw up the whole thing. Right now Carla's insecurities are like the 800-lb. gorilla in our relationship, and I don't know if I could live with that in the long run.
It doesn't make it any easier that I absolutely love Nashville and have a pretty good thing going here. There are 4 of us living in a fairly small apartment, which is actually not too bad at all. My roommates are all cool as crap, there's always something going on here, and I still have my own room so I can get away if I need to. Not to mention rent/utilities are dirt cheap. Leaving all this wouldn't be that big of a deal if I were more sure of how the future with Carla would turn out, but some of the fights/issues we've had recently are making our relationship more of a question mark.
I think for this to all make more sense (and for me to sound like less of a bitch) I'd have to go into a lot more detail, which right now I don't really feel like going into. Like I said, Carla is awesome, and I reeeeally hope things work out; I know this blog sounded pretty negative, but I really do think she's pretty incredible. But anyway, yeah, that's that situation. I will keep you posted.
posted by Matt @ 8:10 PM
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